What does it mean to have a voice?

With great power, comes great responsibility.

I've mentioned previously, perhaps on social media, maybe on here too, that "it's taken a long time to find my voice", and I realise that means nothing to many if you don't know my story. I haven't shared my entire life story with you all, and I'm not sure I ever will, as it involves sharing my truths on interactions and relationships with others which they may disagree with. It then means conversations or potentially more damaging outcomes than I am ready to face.

That being said, I started the journey of staying true to myself and my needs a few years ago. In doing so, I lost people who I thought would be by my side forever. It hurt and continues to hurt, but I'm forever glad I stood up for myself and what was right. It has been something I struggled to come to terms with for a long time.

So, when I say that "it took me a long time to find my voice", please understand, what this means for me is, I finally found courage to start speaking up for what was right and defending myself in circumstances where I was being used and intimidated. I am only a few years into this self journey, though, and good things take time. They are never easy. I stumble and fall from time to time but I pick myself up every time and continue to face myself in the mirror and tell myself, "you are better than this! You deserve to feel seen, heard and safe!"

Unless you have been in a situation where your truth has been forever questioned, where your own trust in yourself is completely lost and you feel like you are the absolute pits of human society, not worth speaking or fighting for, I don't know you can really understand where I'm coming from. Perhaps this piece might help others. Perhaps not. But, either way. in sharing my experience and thoughts, I hope this helps others gain further insight into why it's important to let someone have their voice.

What I've learned through my experiences is how incredibly triggering it is for me when others speak on my behalf, talk over me, or try to tell me what I think or feel. Be it, in any environment; work, wrestling, romantic relationships, friendships, etc., having someone else tell me and not allow me to speak for myself is controlling. It takes away my internal value and takes away the power and right I have as a person to speak for myself.

Being 100% truthful with you here, it angers me and brings out the worst qualities in me, because it takes me to a time where I truly felt like I did not deserve to exist. I remember being so quiet, timid, afraid to speak and afraid to make any noise at times. I don't want to elaborate much further but, please, understand this about me. I am still a reasonably quiet person, at times. Yet, when I speak, I try my best to ensure it is true, honest and of importance. Especially in rooms where it matters.

It is why I am immensely grateful that I have a work environment that encourages and supports my ability to speak. It's why I'm grateful for those who allow me to have an honest conversation and are willing to discuss the difficult topics. I am constantly entering more and more conversations that absolutely scare the hell out of me. If you only knew what conversations I've challenged myself with in the past few weeks alone, and knew where I'd come from to where I am now, you'd be as proud as I am that I do speak. And speak with purpose.

Life is hard. Some people make it harder, but it does not need to be like this. Conversations are important and, being able to have honest, open, conversations are the keys to a good understanding in all relationships: work, romantic, family, friendships etc.

Here's something that amuses me: I have facilitated workshops on great conversations, lead many hundreds of consultants through conversation training and coached people to use their voice, speak loud and proud, and to achieve great results. I did this whilst going home to a place where I had no voice and could not hold these conversations myself, at the time. There is truth sometimes in the saying, "those who cannot do, teach".

Yet, my true growth has been in using the resources and information I have shared with others to start challenging myself to treat me better. To stand up for myself better in situations that are unacceptable. My tolerance and patience for ill treatment of me has reached a nil level and I'm learning more and more to be that person I encourage and have helped others to be.

So, my final points, to wrap this up, here is my personal dos and don'ts of empowering self and others to have, and use, their voice. These are guidelines and boundaries I have tried setting for myself around what I will allow of me and what I won't. I am far from perfect, but I am here and trying.

Brit's dos and don'ts of owning your voice:

1. Do not Speak for/on behalf of others. It is dis-empowering for me to speak on someone else's behalf as it takes away their ability to own their own voice. I will support and encourage them to use theirs, when they are ready.

2. If it is important, say it. A hard one, but, if it is important and I am thinking about it long enough, no matter how vulnerable it makes me and despite the repercussions that may come, if it matters enough, then I need to say it and say it now before I chicken out.

3. Take away emotions. If it is a conversation that is particularly complex or will draw out a reaction versus an open conversation, wait till you are in a better place and more emotionally prepared versus reacting out of impulse. You will gain more from a conversation where you are both prepared to listen and discuss openly.

4. Choose an appropriate time. Wait till both parties are in a good space to talk. You can ask them, "are you open to talking about xx right now?"

5. TALK, don't text. OMG, please TALK, don't text. If it is important, pick up the phone, go and meet for coffee, whatever you can to simply talk openly. Texting means messages are not always received as we intend. Usually, you will both be better off when you can discuss openly together.

I'm sure there are more I can add to this list but that number 1 point has been so important to me over the years because, a) it is not my place to speak on behalf of another person, b) it is dis-empowering to take away their opportunity to speak for themselves and c) if there is a disagreement between two parties, those two parties need to talk, they do not need a 3rd person involved. That then becomes, what is commonly known in the psychology world as, "the drama triangle".

I've been involved in the drama triangle too many times previously and now, I refuse to play the 'rescuer' role any longer. It is unhealthy and does not serve well for anyone involved. If I find myself in a situation that begins to feel familiar of this, I usually encourage one of the other two involved to talk directly to each other. I may offer my support as an unbiased participant or to "hold their hand" but never to speak for them or become a part of the conflict.

I do hope this has, in some way, been a helpful read. Again, I will not dive into my own experience relating to this here. At least, not yet, as there are people I care deeply for and I am working on facilitating a relationship again with them someday. To openly share my story would be harmful and unfair to them. Regardless of what situations they've put me in over the years, I am grateful to be who I am now and one day, would love to connect with them again, but in a healthy manner.

My life has many complexities to it and I've been blessed with some very deep challenges over the years that are beyond what you know of my public, online, personal experiences. Thank you for respecting my privacy in this matter and allowing me this space to have my voice.

With great power, comes great responsibility.