Well, fuck me...

The past week has been an absolute lowest of lows for me.

Lockdown times can play a big toll on people and it's been a time for a lot of people to reflect, analyse and do some deep thinking. This may be a good thing, or may not, depending how you take it or where your mind has been going.

Before I continue, though, I want to just say: please be kind with yourself regardless of what's going on for you. These are strange and unfamiliar times. We cannot expect normality in a time where we are facing large uncertainties and unfamiliar ground. This is not normal.

I am likely going to follow this post very quickly with another as I've been doing loads of thinking and self-reflection lately and want to share some of these thoughts on here with you all. Maybe you'll benefit from it, maybe you won't hahaa, but hopefully it will be an enjoyable read.

I had actually written a blog post last week but I didn't post it. And I'll likely delete it. It's partly what contributed to my downward spiral mentally. I've been a bit weird these past few weeks and a few friends have called me out on it. Unusually grumpy, distant and some of my responses have been incredibly blunt. In some ways, I think that's a good thing because I've been more direct and limiting of my time. In other ways, it definitely isn't a great experience for people on the receiving end.

Years ago, I spoke with a psychotherapist who really called me out on the anger I was holding onto. She was the first person to call me out on this as people had previously always said to me how happy I am. I still hear that and hear from people they love my energy. Usually I'm much better at maintaining and addressing my anger with myself.

With no wrestling and no gym during lockdown as an outlet to release pent up energy and aggression, it's definitely been another contributing factor to my current state and last week, I exploded. In a sense. I broke down and reacted big time. But, being in lockdown, as best I could, I kept this to myself. That is, until my manager asked to chat with me about something I'd sent. I think he knew from my message that something was up. It definitely was not my normal approach to address him so boldly over something so miniscule.

It was probably the first time he and I had held a chat like that. I cried, shared some home truths and was raw and honest with him. He listened. Asked questions. Listened some more. All without judgement. And then he did the unspeakable... he told me to take my own advice. How dare he quote my own advice back to me hahaa. But it was absolutely the right thing to do.

He also asked what I needed and I was honest, I just needed to log off and cry. Not a normal response, I guess and not exactly what people want to hear but sometimes a good healthy cry is incredibly therapeutic. It was such a good ugly cry and, through the night, I cried a LOT. I let my mind wander to old memories that I used to hold down. Stuff I had been able to avoid thinking about but, being in lockdown, I've been bringing up some really ugly memories from times of old. That last blog post and what happened with that guy really contributed to stirring up old emotions as well.

All very clearly things I needed to work through and stop hating myself, and others, for. Stuff I needed to forgive others for and stuff I needed to let go of so I could truly move forward in my life. I thought about stuff from when I was young. Stuff from past relationships. Situations that I had allowed to happen because I wasn't the person I am now. Stuff I was so angry at others for putting me through and yet, angry at myself for allowing them into my life. Or allowing them to control me the way they had. Angry for missing them and angry at myself for still thinking of these people so highly.

Those last two statements are what the post I had drafted last week was about. And partly what I have since learned I need to be kind with myself about. The circumstances that took place in my last post are a distant memory and the twisted thing is, I have forgotten all of it. I only remember that guy in a positive way and had even contemplated reaching out to him. This, as well as the stuff briefly mentioned above, is what I've worked through that I need to learn to let go of. I need to let go of the expectation for things to be any particular way. It is what it is and they are who they are.

I can't explain how or why I don't remember such awful events. Or why I think fondly of people who mistreat me. I honestly do not hate anyone in this world. It's my nature to understand where they are coming from and to forgive and forget. I learned from a young age to not make a fuss. Just get on with life, get over it and be happy. But then, never addressing these things is clearly what stirred last week's downward spiral. There's only so long you can go without addressing something before it comes up and bites you in the butt.

Following my night of reflection and tears, I headed to the beach for sunrise with a coffee and my journal. It was great. I am incredibly blessed to live so close to the beach during these lockdowns. It was amazing to sit still and not be concerned with any other person's expectations or needs in that moment. To reflect purely on what I needed and what I could do to help me. I was incredibly drained, though and needed to get through the working day. I did and proceeded to spend the weekend distanced from others. I watched movie after movie and disconnected. There were loads of things I should have been doing but I didn't want to and didn't care to. My weekend of nothing but movies and hiding from the world may not be for everyone but I'm sharing that because I want to be real. Saturday was sunny, absolutely beautiful outside and I hid from all of it. It felt great. In sharing this, I hope for anyone who is also a recluse and recharges by being alone from the world feels a little less alone. You do you. If you need some quiet time or to watch Netflix all day, then you do what you need. The great thing about life is that there truly is no rush. Everything will happen when it happens. It's ok to just not for a day and then come back stronger.

I had a therapy session today and really unpacked all of this. We spoke about what had been going on and, I love this therapist. She is an absolute direct, to the point, "this is what's going on", no BS kind of therapist. That's the sort I appreciate and learn best from. She's my kind of people and she really helped remind me about my own boundaries and how I could better support myself, and others, through setting these clear boundaries. For those new to therapy, not all therapists are like this but I found one I gel well with and that's important. If one therapist doesn't work for you, try another.

When people think of boundaries, usually it's in context of setting limits on other people and what they can have of your times but it really is much more than that and it purely lies with you. When you set a boundary with someone, you don't out rightly tell them, "hey, this is where the boundary lies". Well, unless you have a very raw and open relationship with them where they understand that, that is.

To set firm boundaries, it's about reinforcing, "I can help you here with this, but for that, you'll need to go elsewhere" or, "that's not something I can do/or am willing to do" and holding firm to what you can and are willing to do for others, or what help you are able to provide. Setting clear boundaries with yourself on what you are able to support others with will also enable them to be more empowered to help themselves, too. People are more capable than we give them credit for sometimes. Be real. What do you really have capacity to support with right now?

I'm sure as people read this, they will likely tell me that I don't need to be there for everyone, just to take care of myself. Or, that you'll be there for me and I can reach out anytime. Or maybe, that I should not feel like I need to set a boundary with them. Or even, perhaps, might have people say they will be respectful of my time and boundaries/energy.

Here is where my anger and directness comes out for those thinking any of the above. Boundary setting of my time, limitations and energy is for me to set. Not you. Boundaries of where I feel I am limited are for me to withhold. With you, yes, but on my terms. I know the boundary of my limitations and it empowers me to withhold that and set those for myself. Much like I would encourage of you.

I cannot determine what your limits are. Much like an annoying toddler, I might challenge and try push those limits but it's up to you to hold firm and set a clear limit with me on what you'll allow of your time and energy.

This is where I share a little gratitude with you all. You see, that Friday where I just wanted to get through the day, I had plans with a friend. I am so incredibly grateful that I have friends I can be honest with about my mental wellbeing and limits. They checked in if we were still on for our plans and I said no. Well, I think I said, "probably not. I'm just trying to get through the day". I hate letting people down but I knew they would understand.

The more we enable people to be real and speak up when they don't feel amazing, the better they can be equipped to speak up for themselves and do what they need to get help, work through what's going on and do what they need to for themselves.

With this, reminding myself to set boundaries at work, home and with others, and crying my way through memory lane, I am so incredibly proud of how far I've come and this is something I'll get into another day. When I think back to who I was and some of the experiences I've lived, I am such a different person. I really love the woman I'm becoming.

I only hope, in sharing these very real and raw experiences that I in turn also help others out there to seek the help they need, reach out and talk with people they trust and set their own firm boundaries so that they can remain in control of their time and energy.

You deserve to put you first and be kind with yourself. Everything in your own time, when you are ready and at your pace. You got this.