What is a Rainbow Baby?

Pregnancy after loss is something I never imagined I would be writing about or sharing. Miscarriage is one of those things you never really expect you'll go through. You hear about it and hear about other women who have experienced it, but it's not commonly talked about. And now I understand why.

If you've read my previous blogs, you know I've dreamt of being a mother for a long time. It was one of my goals to have a child before the age of 30. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. And, here I am at age 36, finally expecting my first child. My second pregnancy.

Not many people knew we were expecting the last one. I shared with a few people as I'm experienced enough in life and resilient enough that I understand the value of a support network and having people to talk to. That being said, keeping your circle small and sharing this with so few people meant that a large portion of people I interacted with had no idea what I was going through.

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant. I remember the excitement and the planning that started almost instantly. I also remember the nausea, moodiness and fatigue that hit me like a tonne of bricks. How women are expected to act normal when growing a little human absolutely amazes me. It was a hard secret to keep when I felt like absolute shyte. I suddenly was unable to wrestle or train. That, in itself, had people questioning if I were OK. Thank goodness for blaming long covid and the many demands of life I had on-going at the time that I managed to hide behind other excuses.

When we had our first scan at 7 weeks, they couldn't see a lot and said baby was likely only at the 5-week stage. They tried to reassure us in the room, but I wondered then if something wasn't right. Being my first pregnancy, I had no idea. I just tried my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle, eat the right things, reduce my caffeine and try to keep stress levels down etc.

Fast-forward to a few weeks later and, after excitedly sharing the news with my best friend finally in person, I popped to the bathroom at the mall and wasn't expecting what happened next. I had been cramping all morning, but google searches (as you do) told me this could be quite normal. Bleeding excessively, however, is not normal and is not OK. I quickly messaged a few in my support network then called my partner. I called the midwife who instructed me to get to a hospital asap. That, we did. I was terrified. I've been extremely blessed to spend very little time in hospitals throughout my life. I proceeded to spend the large part of the afternoon / evening at Middlemore hospital in their emergency department only to receive lots of, "I'm sorry for what you are going through" and very little in the way of actual answers.

The whole process of miscarrying my first pregnancy took about 3 weeks to clear my system and be given the confirmed all clear from the hospital and midwife. It took repeated scans and blood tests before everything was confirmed that there was "nothing left".

Describing this now is still painful. The heartbreak I felt, and continue to feel, is one of the greatest pains I've ever experienced. I had remained strong for the initial few days as I think I was in shock, processing it all, till I finally snapped. Following that, there were days I simply lay on the couch crying and could barely eat or do anything. I broke hard when I finally let myself feel and let it out.

I'm grateful we got our puppy around that time as he was an amazing cuddle companion. My partner was an incredible support, being there for me whilst he, too, was experiencing loss and trying to remain strong for us both. Those who knew were an incredible source of support, sending care packages and checking in regularly.

The light at the end of the tunnel was finding out so soon after that we were pregnant again. That being said, it is not without constant worry and fear for the worst. I'm being more cautious than I probably need to be. I hope like heck this pregnancy goes well but that thought is forever followed by the lingering thought that "anything could happen".

This is how I learned the term "rainbow baby" - a baby had following a miscarriage.

---

I wrote the above post a wee while ago and am happy to say this other pregnancy was a success, and I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy, Phillip, in September 2023.