Lies, Deceit and Love in Lockdown

I let the devil into my home and he laughed in my face.

It's been 20months since I allowed someone to enter my heart. A space I had guarded well. I have dated and met others during this time but never really allowed myself to open up and connect with someone. Until I met him.

It all happened so quickly. In fact, we have only known each other two weeks. Within this time, he went from being a total stranger to the perfect partner, until he showed his true colours.

The thing is, I'm not upset. I'm not disappointed with myself. I actually feel incredibly enlightened. Before talking with him, and him forcing his way into my bubble, I had not truly questioned myself about being ready to open up to another person. I had flirted with the idea of being in a relationship again but never really thought about what that would mean for me. These past two weeks have helped me realise so much more about myself, what I need to learn and how I can better show up for me.

How it all went down:

It was a night like any other. I actually haven't been on dating apps much over the past few months but, with lockdown and not being able to get out and about, I felt it was time to give it a fair shot and see who was out there in the online dating world. I have met some interesting folks over the past month through chat. Some clearly not a match from the beginning, some showing their true colours after a few days of messaging. I was getting pretty familiar with what to look out for and what to quickly avoid and block.

Or, so I thought. Then he messaged me. After a bit of back and forth, there was one message he sent that I nearly hit the block button on but, for some reason, something about this man's arrogance urged me to challenge him on it. I didn't make it easy... I never do hahaa, and we went back and forth with messages for a few days.

Messages led to video call, and then talking for hours on the phone. His persuasion and determination encouraged me to open up real quick about things I don't normally talk with people about. Being my inquisitive nature, I'm already aware of false intimacy and tactics that abusers use to gain control, yet knowing these things and being caught up in them are two different things and not easy to be aware of. Some things weren't adding up but I wondered if it was me being too guarded again and decided to let my guard down. He seemed so honest and caring. . . seemed being the optimum word here.

He established a false sense of trust and, even with me questioning a few things early on, I still allowed him to come into my home to meet. I don't give my address out to anyone I don't know or trust but unfortunately, I let him in. This fact alone scares me right now as I've since blocked him on all sources of contact, yet he still knows where I live.

How I caught him out is that he promised he wanted to have a relationship and to make this work long term. He was tired of looking online and, so he said, he felt a strong connection. I was naturally hesitant with this at first as many people feel they can open up to me so I don't always see that as a compliment. I'm a natural great listener and people do feel comfortable being in my presence. I'm aware of that and usually protective of my energy but, in this instance, he was adamant that he was in love. As such, he promised he had deleted the dating apps and wanted me off them too.

Believing his words, I deleted them and said ok... let's try this and see where it goes.

However, after allowing him to make himself at home in my house... something in my gut was telling me to watch out. He was acting a bit weird but, you know, I'd only really just met him so maybe he was just a little unusual... We all are to some degree. He was really protective of his phone but didn't hesitate to grab mine or look at what I was doing. He quickly asserted control on many things within my house, making himself comfortable as though it was his own. This was only his second time visiting and we were still really only getting to know each other.

After he left that day, I looked in his eyes and, in my head I could hear "uh oh"... literally, alarm bells in how he reacted and responded to a few things. So, I re-downloaded the dating apps and saw his location had changed on Tinder.

So? You might think... Let me tell you a quick little bit of info about Tinder: Your location only changes when you've been active on it. It only will update when you click into the app. It does not go off GPS or your phone's location unless you've accessed it.

Ladies... (and gents)... this is important to note, especially if a loved one is saying they aren't active on Tinder. This is the easiest way to find the truth. Their location won't change if they aren't logging into it. Better yet, if they've deactivated their account, they won't be visible at all anyway.

I checked again later to reassure myself and his location had changed again. I know my location wasn't changing because I can't exactly leave home right now with NZ being in lockdown. So, having this proof in my back pocket, I messaged him to ask, "Hey, are you still on Tinder?"

First lie: "No, I deleted it. Why's that???"

Yeah, OK buddy... that night, I saw he was active online but he avoided responding. I had sent a follow up message explaining how I knew he had been on Tinder and explaining the change of location. It was not until late morning the next day that he responded. He had blatantly been online in this time as I had seen his status say he was online. Don't worry, I know how crazy this is sounding but, when you've been lied to and someone is acting deceitful, you do what you gotta to get the truth. And I'm glad I did.

His next lie when he finally replied, "I'm so sorry babe, I fell asleep after replying and have only just woken up now. I really don't know about the location change, must be my GPS on my phone"

I didn't reply. The lie was told. The truth was there and I'm not a fool. I wasn't upset or hurt by this. Kind of grateful, really, that I didn't allow fear to stop me from calling out a lie. Grateful that I have the strength in me to know I deserve better and to tell it like it is. I told him from day one I would call out anything that was off. I also told him I wouldn't hesitate to cut someone off or block them if it came to that because I value my peace and energy too much to be treated any less than I deserve ever again.

True to my word, unlike him, I have now blocked him from all forms of social media and contact. Not that I really think he cares but I've removed his access to me and that is what matters to me. I do hope he doesn't use or hurt any other woman, though. And I feel like I really dodged a bullet by letting him go so quickly.

As I reflected on the past two weeks and tried to understand within myself what happened and how I allowed it, most of it spoke to him and none about what I did wrong. I did nothing wrong but trust another human. What this has alarmingly shouted out to me though is that this, had I not ended and continued to see him, could have been a very toxic, abusive, controlling relationship.

Hence why I am sharing this and why I'm being so honest and real about what has happened. It is my story of false hope and his story of need to control. As I mentioned earlier, when he came into my home, he made himself at home. He began inserting himself into my world, encouraging, quite forcefully, that I post an instagram pic of dinner together. If you follow my Insta, you might have seen it. I didn't want to post that. He strongly encouraged it.

Everything needed to be his way. I, being stubborn and strong willed, kept challenging him and I could see a frustration in him at times. Which, when I think about this, I wonder if we had become a relationship and committed, if he would have grown comfortable with the idea of hitting me and lashing out.

He loved power. He relished in the control he had over others, and naturally, in the bedroom, asserted himself in an aggressive manner. It was intimidating and scary. I could see he enjoyed that it frightened me. But then, he would act caring and loving and assure me he would never do any harm. That he would protect me.

The real bother for me, though, was when he started asking about my love of energy drinks. Weird, yeah, but I have a little stash of Bang Energy drinks in a cupboard from an order because, when you order them it makes sense to order in bulk. Not that I need to justify my drink consumption to anyone but he asked about this. I looked at him quite concerned because I never opened that cupboard in front of him... He then went on to explain that he was looking for a chopping board and looked under the cupboard. Then looked at every single can to see that they were all energy drinks.

This was another warning bell because this identified a complete lack of boundaries. He never hesitated to go into anything and, although it would seem I allowed it, I think I was more in shock at his ability to not even care to ask.

He is out of my life now and I'm glad I caught on quickly. I do wish on some level I didn't allow him in but, I'm also grateful that, from this experience, I've realised some great things about myself. So, in a way, I'm glad this happened...

I've learned that I have the ability to say no and to call out poor behaviours I won't tolerate anymore. Something I used to absolutely struggle with but, even if it took a week, I still caught on and listened to my gut instincts. I'm so proud of me for that!!

I also learned that, I wasn't really allowing myself to be ready for a relationship before. I would be on dating apps but never really care, never went on dates and certainly wasn't being honest with what I wanted and needed.

I've looked into my attachment style and have done some work to truly understand what I need in a partner, how I can best support myself knowing how I respond and react in a romantic relationship and have really confronted myself on what this could mean for the future. I feel better prepared now for "Mr Right" and the poor sucker that wears that hat better be prepared.

Since this, I naturally put myself back on the dating apps and changed things up a bit. Given this recent experience, I have now removed links to my Instagram and any mention of my wrestling. The reason for this is that they need to earn access to know me better. It is not a right or a given that you can access me.

I have also changed my bio to add the following questions so that I might attract someone who is willing and open to discussing the below, and scare off anyone unwilling to address these. If they are not willing to answer these questions then they won't fit in well with me in the long run anyway. These questions are:

• What's your love language?

• What's your attachment style?

• What is your 5 year plan?

• How do you show up for those you care about and support?

• How do you prefer to be loved and supported?

For information on attachment styles, take a look here: Attachment Styles | Simply Psychology

Lastly, for anyone wanting to know an answer from the above man. I don't have it. I allowed a good 24 hours, possibly a little longer, to see if he would message again or try explain himself. I never actually replied to his above BS excuse. I got the information and confirmation I needed that I was right and my feelings were valid. So, after allowing a window of time for him, I blocked him. I don't foresee ever getting an explanation and I don't care for it. My biggest concern is me, not him. I've learned what I needed to from this experience.

I do wish him all the best and happiness and hope he learns to love, rather than force and control. Truest love is not forced, it is freely given. I do thank him for the false promises and opening my heart up to one day exploring what a great relationship with genuine love might be like.

I know not all men are like this. Well, I'm told not all men are bad. And, I'd like to really believe that. Hoping to one day be shown the kindness of a genuine soul. I have many male friends who I appreciate. You guys have shown me that there is kindness in the world of man. I'm not sure you can ever really understand how important that is for me to see demonstrated in your friendship. But please, continue to be better and do better. I love and thank you for that.