But you're still so young...

Here's one for my fellow 30-somethings. And perhaps, something those in their 20s will relate to, too.

It's no big secret, at least I believe it's no big secret, that I'm 35 years old, single and currently living alone. I'm a successful, by my definition, career woman and, on the occasional weekend when not locked down, you can find me in the professional wrestling ring. All of which is not really your standard expectation of a woman in her 30s. But, that's me.

I recently began listening to an audiobook titled, "But you're still so young" by Kayleen Schaefer. It's about how thirty somethings are redefining adulthood. This, along with a recent talk I viewed on dating burn out has all completely sunk in for me and really connected with me on just how exhausting the expectations are set upon us when in our thirties by the world, and ourselves.

What I found most interesting from Kayleen's audiobook was how she explained that people in their 20s are encouraged to go out and explore the world. Travel, experiment, get to know yourself. Try new things and change careers as much as you like. Have fun.

When in my 20s, I expected the same of myself. I enjoyed my 20s but had the impending timeline in mind always. By 30, I should have it all figured out and be ready to settle. Well, clearly that isn't how life was to go for me and, you know what, that's actually for the best. On one end, you have those who are older than you telling you, "you're still so young". Why, thank you. I feel young... most days. And yet, there is still that expectation to be settled down and have children by now.

Needless to say, as a woman in your 30s, you are constantly reminded that you're nearing expiry of being able to have children. You're a ticking time bomb and you're constantly reminded that, if/when you do fall pregnant, you'd be classed medically as a geriatric pregnancy. If that doesn't make you concerned and feel old, then I don't know what will.

It's a real kicker for someone like myself who is absolutely healthy, except for the damage I inflict on myself in wrestling. I manage to maintain a reasonably healthy lifestyle and take pretty good care of this body. All of that could mean nothing if I were to take too long to try to make a child with another person. Conversations are everywhere for women of my age group that are childless to freeze your eggs, get an egg count, keep dating, find the right partner, hurry up... but don't rush it. You're not getting any younger, but you're also still so young.

The expectations of people in their 30s having it all and living this picture of a happy family comes from what we see from the past where, in the 50s, you were expected to be at home with your family. Movies, TV, books, all paint this fairytale story of how a happy family should be. I laugh now when I watch a movie and the girl is freaking out that she's nearing 30 and needs to get married soon. There's still this belief portrayed all over the world that we need to adhere to these old expectations and settle, quickly, yet have fun in your 20s and figure it out first, but then hurry up and settle down.

Dating in this modern age and trying to find this partner to settle down with is no easy task either. I enjoy having conversations about this with my Grandmother because it's interesting to compare times of old with what we do now. Back in the day, there was romancing, going on dates, and completely different expectations for both men and women.

Now, you swipe left or right if you like a picture. Women are more likely to also read the profile and some men do read the profiles too. I'm absolutely generalizing based on chats I've had with guys and gals who use these apps so please take no offence if you're a profile reader who takes it seriously.

But now, you match and, if you're lucky or if they're genuinely interested, a chat conversation starts. You ask each other the icebreaker questions and try to get to know each other and make some snap judgements. After all, you've likely got about 5 other chats going on, more or less, with other guys/gals as you're trying to find one who you might actually proceed to go on a physical date with.

Enter Covid times with lockdowns and the inability to actually meet up, or meet up under increased restrictions. Do you risk meeting a person who you barely know for the sake of there being potential but also knowing there's potential they could have been in contact with Covid?

Whether you meet or not, people often then make a choice at some point to proceed or not. And, despite the conversations I've had with guys on these apps and how much they complain about ghosting. We all do it. We all reach a point where it's exhausting, you know it's not going anywhere or you don't feel like it's worth pursuing and, because you've had so many chats and you're already either chatting to the next person or, potentially taking a break from the apps, you ghost the person and avoid an awkward conversation. You'll likely never see them again anyway, right?

For those reading this who aren't in the dating scene in these times, or have never used dating apps, I hope you enjoyed a glimpse of modern dating. I'm sure I made it sound like fun...

In saying this, I do feel lucky that I've also made some good friends through these apps. A couple I've had some great chats with and we keep in touch. It is not all doom and gloom. But I know that's not everyone's experience and, as you've likely read about, I've also met some absolute assholes.

It is what it is really. The modern world of dating. People have their opinions of dating apps and how to find a partner these days and I appreciate that if you've never used them, it can seem like a strange concept and some people absolutely use them purely to find a "hook up". I've definitely had plenty of not-so-subtle offers for one night stands. Yet, I know of many people who have found their husband/wife and now have children together, happily married. These aren't always the stories you hear about but there are a lot more people than you may realise that have met in these ways.

My experiences have encouraged me to be very selective with who I respond and "match" with. I don't match with just anyone and, when we do match, if the conversation isn't feeling right in any way, I end it. Some, I block out right without hesitation or explanation. Some, I simply ghost. Getting so good at ghosting that I might dress as one for halloween.

All joking aside, the very real expectations set out on us 30-something year olds are tiring and, added with the 'dating burn out', it's no wonder we are just over-it. But, hey, we are all in this together. We are also a really special generation. A generation that is redefining how we set our lives up and really leaning into our own values and strengths.

We are finding our own way and setting a new way forward for the generations that follow. Fuck the expectations of the past and what history has shown we should be doing by this age. There are many things that have changed since the 1950s and the expectations we set on each other, and ourselves, need to change, too.

Follow your own path. Do what feels right. Do not feel rushed to make anything happen. You do not need it all figured out by 30. You don't need to have the checklist of life to be an adult, or to be seen as successful. That is, you don't need the house, family, car, career etc. but also, you don't need me to tell you. You are absolutely capable in your own right.

Anyway, off to freeze my eggs and drink some tequila. Joking, of course. Or am I? Here's to turning 35 recently and owning my way forward. Half-way to 70 and a third of the way to 105. What a triumph. What a time to be alive!

A side note for those who are certain they don't want children, I understand this may not resonate so much for you. I am someone who is certain I do want to have children. I am super clucky and I absolutely intend to have a child, with or without a partner someday. Ideally with but, if that's not how life goes, that's my choice. For those who do not want children, I am sure there are still the expectations for you to have it all. And, perhaps, this in some ways will in fact resonate with you. Thank you for understanding.