Who?
- Sarah Smith
- Jul 10, 2021
- 4 min read
"She's crazy" "She's making it up"
"Look at her, can you blame them?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman to speak up about an abuser, let alone stand up to the abuser?
What if the abuser is someone she's known for years and been with for a long time? Who would even believe her if she was to speak out? Who would be there to help her?
What if the abuser is someone everyone knows, loves and respects? What if you have no friends outside of the relationship and everyone you know knows him? What if she felt like there was not a single person who would listen or believe her because they all know him so well?
What if that abuser isn't from a romantic relationship? What if the abuser is a family member? What if it is everything she has ever known and didn't know there were actually relationships that exist without anger and violence? Who is she to question her own reality when it is everything she's ever known?
What if simply standing up for herself against that abuser took everything she had and broke her? What if it meant losing the one person she felt would be by her side no matter what? What if it meant making a stranger of someone she knew her entire life? Someone who had been by her side at the worst times?
But, who is she to speak up as if she's been through hard times? Who is this woman to act as if she knows what abuse is like? What has she really experienced? Who is she to stand up for female empowerment? Who the fuck are you, as a man, to question my experiences that you know nothing about?
Until you have walked in my shoes. Until you have experienced my life, you do not have a right to judge me. Until you have lived in fear and cried yourself to sleep every night for years, can you really say you understand? Until you have experienced that feeling of complete helplessness and hopelessness, don't tell me you get it. Until you've known what it's like to contemplate not existing because it would just be easier than reaching out for help, don't tell me I'm not deserving of a better life.
To the women in my life who have spoken out and stood up for what you deserve as a human: basic respect, I love you immensely. You know true strength and I admire what it takes to be you each and every day. You know what it takes to pull yourself from the control of another and that, my dear, takes incredible strength and I think you are absolutely fuckin incredible for doing what you needed!
To the naysayers, I open you to discuss and question why you deny the things we say so readily. What is it you're afraid of happening in listening to us? What is it you think might happen if you engage in a conversation about the topic of abuse?
To those reading this and wondering about "ooh, what has she experienced?!" this is where I'll direct you to the real issue. I'm not sharing my experience openly on here because that's contributing to gossip and I'm not ready to share. Plus, it isn't going to help find answers. What I would encourage you ask instead is, "what can I be doing to contribute to a better world?!"
What CAN you do?!
You can:
- Love your family with all your heart, and kindness. The home should be a safe space and never filled with fear.
- When a conversation begins to anger you, pause and ask yourself why. What's going on for you that's scaring you and why are you having such a strong reaction?
- When you begin to doubt something you're being told or it doesn't "sound right" start to lean into facts and not feelings. What do you know truthfully and what are you "knowing" based on your bias or relationships?
- If someone, regardless of age or gender, says they do not feel safe, LISTEN!
- If someone asks for help, regardless of how you feel, ask how you can help.
The simple act of asking for help takes so much strength to even utter the words. Don't deny them when they've trusted you with those scary words, "help me!"
- There is so much more you can do. I'm not an expert but the best place you can start is to question more and listen even more. Really listen.
Lastly, to those friends who tell me they are there for me no matter what, then continue to support the people who hurt me and ignored my cries for help in my time of need. Know that this never went unnoticed. And if you think our friendship has changed since, it has. To pull myself out of that lowest point, I pulled away from a lot of people and you were likely one because you didn't make me feel safe. You made me question even further whether I was right to stand up for myself. Whether I even had a right to exist. I won't be coming to you for help ever again.
To those reading this that may be feeling concerned, please know, I am now in the best place mentally, physically, spiritually, that I've been in for such a long time. I have an immense calm and peace that is well guarded. I have done a lot of self development and have done what I can, same as what you can, I focused on what is within my circle of control. I'm doing absolutely fucking GREAT!
Help available in New Zealand:
Help for family violence | New Zealand Police : If you are in immediate danger, call 111 and ask for the police. If not safe to speak, push 55 on a mobile (any number on a landline) to be put through to Police.
Please reach out. You deserve better. You are more than enough. You are worthy. You do not deserve what you are going through. If you feel safe to reach out to me, feel free to send a message on here as well. It will remain private and confidential, I am here to listen. You have got this!
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